The Official Bathroom Newsletter of People Who Think Too Hard While Peeing
Welcome to the First Flush
If you’re new here, don’t overthink it. Each issue of the Stall Street Journal brings you:
- A short story or poetic overshare (probably written at 2am)
- A song that hit me in the gut (usually not mine)
- A dad joke or brutal truth bomb with some commentary
- And a clean exit: link to a show, merch, or something else I cooked up
The whole thing takes 5–8 minutes to read—just enough time to hide in a stall and pretend you’re not crying.
“In Praise of Cheap Chairs”
When I moved out after the divorce, I didn’t have much. A bed, a truck, a few guitars, and a Target card with a dangerously high limit. My new place had white walls and echoes. I sat on a cooler for two weeks before I found a $10 folding chair at a garage sale.
That chair became a throne. I wrote songs in it. Ate cereal over the sink in it. Watched YouTube videos that made me laugh until I didn’t. One night, I sat in that chair for three hours doing nothing but breathing. That chair held me up when I didn’t want to hold myself.
We romanticize new beginnings as these beautiful, cinematic things. But honestly? New beginnings are more often $10 folding chairs, weird smells, and microwave dinners you burn because you were crying too hard to notice the beeping.
Now I have a real couch. My son comes over and crashes on it. There’s art on the walls, some of it mine, some of it thrifted, all of it weird. The cooler is in the garage. The chair is still here too—leaning in the corner like a worn-out friend who says nothing but means everything.
So if you’re sitting in something flimsy right now—emotionally or physically—don’t worry. Every strong foundation started with someone saying “this is temporary, but I’m not done yet.”
SONG I’M STUCK ON:
“Rescue Me” – Dirty Heads
“Sometimes I wanna sink / Sometimes I wanna rise / Sometimes I wanna blow up, burn down, disappear into the night…”
This song hit me like a ton of bricks on a Wednesday night I couldn’t sleep. The whole track pulses with this feeling of chaos, but also clarity. Like you’re finally admitting to yourself that you want to be saved—but not in a romantic way. You just want someone or something to say, “Hey, you don’t have to white-knuckle everything.”
It reminds me that we’re all carrying invisible weights. Some of us just hide it behind clever texts and Spotify playlists.
▶️ Rescue Me – Dirty Heads (YouTube)
DAD JOKE & WHY I LOVE IT
Joke:
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why it matters:
I told this joke to my son when he was 6. He didn’t laugh—he looked me dead in the eye and said, “That’s not even a real job, Dad.”
Now every time I feel like I’m failing, I remember that moment. Because maybe I am just a scarecrow—tired, straw-stuffed, held together by duct tape and bitterness—but I’m still showing up in the field. And sometimes that’s enough to win the damn award.
CLEAN EXIT:
If you enjoyed this weird mix of honesty and sarcasm, come to a show. I tell stories, sing songs, and overshare like it’s my job.
🎸 Upcoming Shows
🧢 Shirts dumb enough to make you think twice
